Or, if you’re a fan of alternate titles: And Then The Yuri Started.
I won’t bother telling you to click below to read more, because, well… You’re probably already doing so with palmfuls of sweat.
Artistic license can be a very powerful tool. Sometimes, though, artistic license has a bit too much to drink and, on the way home from the pub, it throws up a Koihime Musou episode where Cao Cao orders Xun Yu to lick parts of her body that no advisor with over 90 Intelligence should have to lick.
Alas! I was rather hoping Koihime Musou would keep a tight rein on its lesbian undertones. Sadly there’s no way to misinterpret Cao Cao’s intentions when she’s shivering in pleasure at the touch of Xun Yu’s tongue on her armpit, or when she’s wrist-deep in Guan Yu’s nether regions. (She ain’t playing curling down there, trust me.)
But I’m getting ahead of myself once more. The “plot” in this episode consists of Ma Chao encountering Cao Cao in town and attempting to avenge Cao Cao’s murder of her father, Ma Teng. She fails and Cao Cao captures her with the aid of her trusty general, Xiahou Dun. So far we’re in the realm of historical accuracy; but the episode quickly shatters the illusion when Cao Cao proposes a deal to Guan Yu. If the latter will “serve” (read: sleep with) her, she’ll release Ma Chao. And so we are treated to a scene where a naked and apprehensive Guan Yu lies in bed as Cao Cao disrobes, jumps into bed with her, and starts, uhm, you get the idea. The blanket leaves little to the imagination anyway.
Giving Cao Cao a licking fetish? Fair enough. There’s dozens of girls in the show. One of ’em has to be stuck in the oral phase. Having her request that her subordinates lick the sweat off her feet after a horse ride? Entering disturbing territory. Working the camera angle and sound effects so it looks as if Xun Yu’s licking considerably upstream of Cao Cao’s feet? WOAH WAITTAMINUTE THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR.
Color me utterly disappointed. Here I was scolding Strike Witches because its underage protagonists liked to grab handfuls of one another’s chests while extolling the virtues of Koihime Musou as an example a safer, campy show that doesn’t take itself seriously. And wham! In one episode Koihime Musou has rocketed ahead in the race towards the yuri finish line. Sigh. We did catch a glimpse of Dong Zhuo as a slender, white-haired woman, but Zhuge Loliang (haha, God I crack me up) has yet to appear to guide the Tigress Generals, and that added to my disappointment.
I do wonder how the show will deal with other events from the book (Cao Cao’s tryst with Guan Yu was a retelling of how the latter served the former for a while and helped defeat Yuan Shao). Time for a good old-fashioned brainstorm!
- The Battle of the Red Cliffs, a large-scale naval battle in Southern China where Wu and Shu allied to defeat Wei’s million-man army.
Koihime Musou version: WATER PARK EPISODE. Swimsuits, dolphins, and cotton candy all make an appearance. A swimsuit contest decides the winner.
- Xiahou Dun loses an eye in a duel with a general under Lu Bu’s command.
Koihime Musou version: Unfortunate eyelash-curling incident.
- Cao Cao defeats Yuan Shao’s northerm army after a month-long strategic stand-off.
Koihime Musou version: I don’t want to go into details, but it involves a fist, a banana, and twenty feet of rope.
Today’s Karen is: WTF