Chances are that if you’re reading this, you’re a nerd, so you should be familiar to a degree with the historical novel Romance of the Three Kingdoms and the media (films, video games, etc.) that it inspired over the years. If you’re like me, you might even have read the book four times and love it for nursing your wounded soul when you left for college and were so homesick you thought you’d die. (On the other hand, if the name Three Kingdoms doesn’t ring a bell, here’s a quick overview of the novel on Wikipedia.)
So who’s the genius who had the brilliant idea of taking this hallowed piece of litterature’s fearless warriors and replacing them with buxom pubescent girls in thigh-high stockings who wield halberds twice their height? I don’t know either, but here I am watching the product of this dubious stroke of genius, a new anime TV series called Koihime Musou.
Heavens, what hath we wrought?
This is Three Kingdoms with girls. Yep. Hardly rocket scienctist watching material, it goes without saying, and at times downright sacrilegious: take the above Guan Yu panty shot, for example. Or how about when Zhang Fei asks Guan Yu how she grew such massive mammaries and the latter replies, with a hint of genuine Three Kingdoms pathos, “If you have aspiration in your breasts, they’ll grow bigger!”
Insert ASCII face palm dude here.
Then again, that’s the brand of over-the-top, ridiculous bravado and straight-faced heartfelt emushion that made the historical novel so awesome, and Koihime rightfully incorporates it. Hell, during their first meeting Guan Yu and Zhang Fei spend an entire day fighting. (Zhang Fei, by the way, is a twelve-year-old pink-haired girl with a kitty hairband whose expression mirrors his own. Here’s to a thousand Chinese historians spinning in their graves.)
Zhang Fei, who plays the cute lil' one. Background: Guan Yu's jaw-dropping, army-stopping tits.
The worst part (or the best one, depending on your point of view) is that Koihime Musou isn’t terrible. On paper the idea sounds on par with sending a bottle of nitroglycerine to Michael J. Fox as a Christmas present, but Koihime Musous’s execution is, uhm, on the adequate side of average, I’ll admit. Animation’s colorful, and the character design encapsulates the heroines’ personalities so effortlessly that I could tell, just from watching the opening credits, who Zhao Yun, Zhuge Liang, and others were supposed to be. Music must have been forgettable, since I’ve already forgotten what it sounded like, ditto for opening credits. The ending theme and credits, however, are a laugh riot as the Shu girls eat dinner while the other kingdoms’ chicks parade behind them.
(Technical aside: It appears Koihime excised Liu Bei from its narrative, but that shouldn’t be much of a blow to the story: the character was writen solely to serve as an example of third-century Chinese humility and virtue in a world of amoral chaos. I reckon any anime where the Five Tiger Generals wear high heels and do their hair and makeup first thing in the morning can manage without the moral backbone he’s supposed to provide.)
The cuteness overload factor should be traumatizing me into fleeing away from Koihime Musou as fast as my human legs can carry me; but in the end, it’s Three Kingdoms, albeit after it underwent a face lift and breast augmentation surgery, so how can I not watch? If things go well the show could end up being more about the characters and their struggles than the laughable “action-packed” anime adaptation we saw in the early 90s. At worst… blech, I’d rather not imagine what a strident Cao Cao with bitch tits and purple hair could do to my sanity. I’ll set my train wreck alarm to episode three.
-Mr. K
Today’s Karen is: BWUH?!?
How can they leave Liu Bei out of the equation….?
Liu Bei is equally historically important and yet they leave him out…It makes the show lose some appeal but the amount of fan service might compensate for it though….but still…
Well, if you’re in it for the fanservice, you’ll be happy as a clam in saltwater. Koihime Musou did originate as an ero game, after all. :)
I predict removing Liu Bei won’t hinder the series much. When you think about it, Liu Bei in Three Kingdoms serves as a mouthpiece for the author and as a “legitimate” leader for what would otherwise be a group of violent-minded warriors that threaten the established order. Koihime Musou doesn’t need a mouthpiece and the show will undoubtedly paint the Five Tiger Generals as “good girls”.
Then again I could be wrong, maybe Liu Bei will pop up later on, but if my take on the ending credits is correct, it seems the series will follow Guan Yu, Zhang Fei, Zhao Yun and Zhuge Liang primarily.
wow WTF this show is mad sexuses. theres not one guy in it….
John: if by “sexuses” you mean “sexy”, then yeah, although the sexiest element for me so far isn’t the skin showing, but Guan Yu’s awesome hair… <3 the side ponytail. ^_^
If you meant “sexist”, however, because there aren’t any guys in Koihime Musou, I’d say it’s a wash. Females have been so oversexualized in anime since the early days that it serves us guys right! Finally a show that dispenses with males altogether! A show that focuses solely on… uh… oversexualized females…
I’m starting to recognize a lot of these names from Dynasty Warrirors. For example: Lu Bei was a real bitch to fight against cuz he’d always be about 5 levels above me and he’d have extra defense and attack strength. I don’t, however, recognize any of the girls’ names. I guess it’s cuz I never had any interest in playing any of the female characters… does that make me sexist?
Mlow: I’m afraid you misunderstand. Koihime Musou takes the good old boys from Three Kingdoms (and Dynasty Warriors, itself a TK spinoff) and retells their story… but if they were lightly-clothed sixteen-year-old girls. I would visit this post by Aldrin Khan and take a gander at the names under the pictures, see if any of them ring a bell.
And no, that doesn’t make you a sexist – in fact, I’d venture the guys who take an unhealthy interest in the, ahem, bump-mapping of virtual starlettes probably rank higher on the misogynistic ladder. :)